What To Do When You Can’t Agree On a Holiday Schedule

The holiday season is upon us and schedules are filling up with parties, events, and obligations with friends and family. It is a time of reflection and celebration as we give thanks while spreading holiday cheer. With so many exciting plans on the horizon, it can be tough to reach an agreement with your co-parent regarding the holiday schedule for your children. Afterall, you and your co-parent likely have ideas for what would make a perfect holiday and those plans could conflict.

Let’s get it out of the way, splitting holidays is tough. In prior years, you likely came together as a family to celebrate the season. Now that you are getting a divorce, you and your co-parent are required to split time with your children. It can seem impossible to come up with an agreement that is fair. As the holidays approach, there are a few things you can do to try to avoid a stalemate in scheduling negotiations. Nonetheless, even the best laid plans can go awry. If you cannot reach an agreement with your co-parent, we have some tips for you as well.

Reflect on Your Priorities

Before you discuss the holiday schedule with your co-parent, reflect on your feelings regarding the various holidays. What is important to you? Start the process by making a list of the important holidays and dates throughout the year. Try ranking them in order of importance as a jumping off point. Perhaps it is really important for you to spend Christmas Day with your children, but you don’t care much for Thanksgiving. Maybe you love spending Halloween with your children and Christmas has never really been your thing.  This will allow you to go into conversations knowing exactly what is most and least important to you. This is the best place to start your holiday schedule negotiations. Don’t get caught up trying to “win” against your co-parent. This is not a competition and you should not treat it that way. You won’t get everything you want, but that is okay. However, if you spend time on the front end preparing for the conversation, you can secure more of the things that are important to you.

During the reflection phase, you may find it helpful to work with a divorce coach. Divorce coaches have a wealth of experience working through a variety of issues you may face as a co-parent. 

Have a Constructive Discussion

Set up a time to discuss the holiday schedule with your co-parent. Here are some steps to ensure a productive conversation:

Prepare : Know what’s negotiable and non-negotiable for you. Remember, you will have to compromise, but it is okay if you have a non-negotiable item. Maybe it is non-negotiable that you see your children on Christmas Day. That is fine, but that might be a non-negotiable of your co-parent as well. 

Ask Questions : Understand your co-parent’s priorities by asking questions like:

1. What dates are most important for you?

2. Do you have specific plans on those dates?

3. Are there holidays that aren’t as important to you

Stay Calm : Keep the conversation respectful and focused on finding a fair agreement.

Before the call, review the seven common mistakes to avoid when co-parenting. This will help you avoid pitfalls when working through this process.  As you address each holiday,  build out a calendar, keep track of what has been decided and what is still up in the air.

Consider these additional questions:

1. Would you be open to splitting those days based on the time of your plans?

2. Are we able to alternate these dates year over year or are there certain events / dates that you would request every year?

These probing questions allow you to see what is most important to your co-parent while leaving room for your considerations as well. You want to be fair but firm during this process. You do not want to walk away from the table getting none of the things you wanted, but you also shouldn’t expect to get everything you request.

Reaching an agreement with a co-parent can be a stressful process. You may feel the need to “beat” them in the negotiations, but be reasonable. You have to work with this person for years to come, don’t start the relationship off on the wrong foot.

Handling Scheduling Stalemates

If you’re lucky, you and your co-parent were able to resolve the schedule without getting to this point. However, if you and your co-parent can’t reach an agreement, try these strategies:

Step Away : Take a break if discussions get heated. Cooling down can help both parties come back with a clearer perspective.

Being successful co-parents is contingent on your ability to identify when you are getting to this point and knowing it is best to take a moment to cool down. This is a great strategy because it allows you to regroup and refocus on what is important to you. 

Find Support : If you believe you and your co-parent are unable to reach an agreement without assistance, it might be time to turn to a mediator or parenting coordinator. A neutral third party can facilitate the conversation and help find solutions that work for both sides.

Make Compromises : Going into these conversations, you knew you were not going to get everything you wanted.  Be willing to give on some points to reach an overall fair agreement.

Legal Considerations

Review your custody agreement to understand your legal rights and obligations. If you can’t reach an agreement with your co-parent, consulting a lawyer may be necessary. It’s best to resolve issues amicably, but legal advice can provide clarity on your options.

Conclusion

Holidays can be stressful on their own, adding conflicting schedules and an unreasonable co-parent can make them event more difficult. However, using the strategies in this article can help you go into conversations with a clear plan of action. If things do not work out, there are options for you to get a fair schedule with your children. Remember you are not alone, there is a team of professionals waiting to assist you in your scheduling negotiations. Reach out for help if you need it, you will thank yourself later.