How to Talk to Your Child's Therapist: The Do's and Don'ts

Key Points:

• Your child's therapist works for your child. Not for you, not for the court, and not against your co-parent. The moment a parent tries to change that, the therapy stops working.

• Tell the therapist what's happening at home, in writing, briefly. Logistics, big changes, behaviors you've noticed. That's useful. Your theory of what your ex is doing wrong is not.

• Don't ask for a letter, an opinion about custody, or testimony. Treating therapists lack the information and the objectivity to make custody recommendations, and the professional guidelines say so. A therapist who gives you one has usually just lost the ability to help your child.

• Confidentiality for a child in therapy is real but limited, and it varies by state. Some states, including Louisiana, strip the privilege for a child who's the subject of a custody case. Ask the therapist how it works before the first session, not after a subpoena.

• Who gets to consent, attend, and receive updates depends on your custody order. Read it. If both parents share legal custody, both usually have rights, and a therapist who's only heard from one of you is working with half the picture.

Parents call me about their child's therapist for the same reason they'd call about a teacher or a pediatrician: they want to know how to help. But therapy during a divorce is different, because somewhere in the back of the mind, often without meaning to, a parent starts to think of the therapist as a witness. That's when things go sideways.

I'm a forensic psychologist, and I've spent two decades on the other side of this: reviewing therapy records in custody evaluations, deposing therapists, and watching good clinicians get pulled into roles they were never trained for. I've also been the person a therapist calls when a parent has asked for something they shouldn't. So here's what I'd tell you if you were sitting in my office.

Understand Whose Therapist It Is

A child's therapist has one client, and it's the child. That sounds obvious until you're in the middle of a custody case and your child's therapist is the only adult who's heard, in detail, what goes on at the other house.

The therapist's job is to help your child cope, process, and function. The job isn't to find out what happened, decide which parent is right, or report to anyone. The Association of Family and Conciliation Courts' Guidelines for Court-Involved Therapy put it plainly: a treating therapist doesn't have the information base or the objectivity to make recommendations about parenting plans, custody, or decision-making. A therapist who only hears one side, who hasn't interviewed the other parent, who hasn't reviewed records or tested anyone, and who has a treatment relationship to protect, can't tell a judge what the custody arrangement should be. That's what evaluators do. I wrote about the difference in What Is a Custody Expert Witness?

Keep that distinction in your head every time you talk to the therapist, and the rest of this article follows from it.

Before the First Session: Who Consents?

Before you book anything, read your custody order. Most states tie the right to consent to a child's mental health treatment to legal custody, and most divorced parents share it.

In Louisiana, the domiciliary parent under R.S. 9:335 has authority over the child's decisions unless the implementation order says otherwise, but the other parent keeps the right to information, and courts don't look kindly on a parent who starts a child in therapy to gain an edge. In Texas, the right to consent to psychological treatment is a specifically listed right under the Family Code that may be given to one parent, both, or both jointly, and a therapist who treats a child on one parent's say-so when the order required both has a problem. In Massachusetts, shared legal custody means both parents share major decisions, and mental health treatment is a major decision. Richard Perque explains these allocations in Legal Custody vs. Domiciliary Parent.

A competent court-involved therapist will ask for a copy of the custody order before the first session, and the AFCC guidelines tell them to. If a therapist doesn't ask, offer it. If you're the parent who didn't initiate therapy and nobody's told you, you have a right to know, and you should ask your attorney how to assert it.

One more thing about choosing the therapist. If you pick a clinician your co-parent has never heard of, in your neighborhood, who's seen your child three times before the other parent finds out, you've already made that therapist suspect in the other parent's eyes, and possibly the court's. Agree on the therapist if you can. If you can't, let the court or a parenting coordinator choose. A therapist both parents accept is worth more to your child than one you prefer.

What to Tell the Therapist

Facts about your child's life: schedule changes, a new home, a new partner moving in, a move, a school change, a death in the family, a sibling leaving for college. The therapist can't help your child with what they don't know is happening.

Behaviors you're seeing: sleep changes, appetite, regression, new fears, trouble at school, withdrawal, anger, refusal to go to the other house. Describe what you observe, when, and how often. "She's cried at four of the last five exchanges" is useful. "She hates going to her father's" is a conclusion, and it's yours.

Your child's history: prior diagnoses, prior therapy, medical conditions, learning differences, evaluations. If your child has had an educational evaluation, the therapist should see it; I covered those in Educational Evaluations for Children During Divorce.

What you'd like help with at home: how to respond when your child says something alarming about the other house, what to do about the bedtime meltdowns, how to talk about the divorce. Therapists are good at this and most parents never ask.

Notice what's missing from that list. Your account of the marriage. Your co-parent's drinking, temper, new girlfriend, or lies. Your theory of why your child is struggling. The therapist will form their own picture from the child, and that picture will be more useful to your child than yours.

What Never to Ask For

Don't ask for a letter. Not a letter saying your child is doing well in your care, not a letter saying your child is anxious after visits with the other parent, not a letter "just for my lawyer." The moment the therapist writes it, they've taken a side, your co-parent will stop cooperating with the treatment, and the therapist's usefulness to your child drops to near zero. Many therapists will decline. The ones who don't are often the ones you should worry about.

Don't ask the therapist to testify. If your lawyer wants therapy information in front of the court, there are ways to get it that don't require the clinician to become your witness, and there are evaluators whose job it is to form opinions. A subpoena to a treating therapist is sometimes necessary, but it's a last resort, and it should be your attorney's call, not yours.

Don't ask what your child said. The answer to "what did she tell you about her dad's house?" is a boundary, and a good therapist will hold it. What you can ask is "is there anything I should know for her safety?" and "what can I do at home to support what you're working on?" The therapist will tell you what you need and keep the rest.

Don't tell the therapist what your child should say. I've reviewed records where a parent sat in the waiting room reminding a child to "tell Dr. So-and-so about the thing we talked about." Children know when they're being used, and so do therapists. It lands in the chart.

Don't ask the therapist to pick a side in a scheduling or custody dispute, to recommend that visits be reduced, or to assess the other parent they've never met. A therapist who answers those questions is practicing outside their role, and that fact will come out in cross-examination.

After Sessions: The Debrief Problem

The most common mistake I see isn't dramatic. It's the car ride home after the therapy session.

"What did you talk about?" "Did you tell her about what happened Saturday?" "Did she say anything about me?" Every one of those questions teaches a child that therapy is surveillance, that their words have consequences they can't control, and that the parent in the driver's seat needs to be managed. Kids under that pressure stop talking, in therapy and at home.

Say instead: "I'm glad you have someone to talk to." Then change the subject. If your child wants to tell you something, they will. If they don't, that's the therapy working.

The same discipline applies to the therapist's door. Don't linger. Don't deliver a five-minute summary of the week's grievances while your child stands there. If something needs to be communicated, email it, in advance, briefly.

Confidentiality: What It Actually Covers

Parents assume one of two things about their child's therapy: that it's completely private, or that they're entitled to all of it. Neither is right, and the specifics depend on where you live.

Under federal privacy law, parents are generally the "personal representatives" of a minor child and can access the child's records, with exceptions where state law gives the minor authority to consent on their own or where the provider reasonably believes the parent is a danger to the child. Psychotherapy notes, the therapist's own process notes kept separate from the medical record, are protected even from the patient in most circumstances. State law then adds its own layer. Many states let older adolescents consent to some mental health treatment on their own, which limits what a parent can see.

And then there's court. In a custody case, state evidence rules decide whether a child's therapy communications are privileged at all. Louisiana's rule is unusually blunt. Code of Evidence article 510 says there's no health care provider privilege for communications relating to the health condition of a child who's the subject of a custody or visitation proceeding. In other words, in a Louisiana custody fight, the child's therapy records are generally reachable. Massachusetts protects psychotherapy communications more firmly but lets a judge override the privilege in a custody case when the therapist has evidence bearing significantly on a parent's ability to provide suitable custody and disclosure is more important to the child's welfare than confidentiality. Texas has a "condition at issue" exception that courts have applied in custody disputes.

What this means for you: ask the therapist, at the first session, exactly what they'll do if they're subpoenaed, what they'll tell each parent, and what they keep private from both. Then tell your child the truth in age-appropriate terms. "Mostly what you say is private. If the therapist thinks you're not safe, they'll tell someone." A child who's been promised total secrecy and then watches their words read aloud in a courtroom learns something about adults that's hard to unlearn.

When the Therapist Is Court-Ordered

Everything above is doubled when a judge ordered the therapy. Court-ordered therapy isn't confidential in the ordinary sense; the therapist typically reports progress to the court. Both parents usually have a right to participate, and both are usually required to cooperate. If you're the parent who didn't want the therapy, refusing to cooperate will hurt you more than anything the therapist writes. If you're the parent who did, don't mistake the therapist for your ally. I wrote about the special case of reunification therapy, where this dynamic is sharpest, in Reunification Therapy: What It Is, When Courts Order It, and What Kayden's Law Changed.

If You Think the Therapist Is Taking Sides

Sometimes a parent is right that the therapist has lost neutrality. The other parent found the therapist, attends every session, emails daily, and the therapist's notes read like that parent's talking points. It happens.

Here's what to do. Don't confront the therapist. Don't send them a list of what they've gotten wrong. Document, through your attorney, what you've asked for and what you've been denied. Ask the court for a neutral evaluation if one's warranted, or ask for a parenting coordinator to manage the therapy referral, a role I described in The Benefits of a Parenting Coordinator in Your Divorce Plan. And keep participating, calmly, in the meantime. A judge who sees one parent cooperating with treatment and the other refusing it doesn't usually ask who picked the therapist.

The Short Version

Give the therapist facts, not arguments. Ask how to help, not what was said. Never request a letter or an opinion about custody. Keep the car ride quiet. Know your custody order and your state's privilege rule. And remember whose therapist it is.

Your child needs one room in their life where the divorce isn't being litigated. Let it be that one.

This article is for general informational purposes only and is not psychological or legal advice, and it does not create a treatment relationship. Consent, confidentiality, and privilege rules for a minor's mental health treatment vary significantly by state. Talk to an attorney licensed where your case is pending about your specific custody order. If your child is in crisis, call or text 988. If there is an immediate danger, call 911.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can my child's therapist testify in my custody case? They can be subpoenaed in most states, but a treating therapist shouldn't offer opinions about custody or parenting time, and professional guidelines say they lack the information and objectivity to do so. Whether the therapist's records and testimony are even admissible depends on your state's privilege rules. Louisiana, for example, removes the privilege for a child who's the subject of a custody case. Using the therapist as a witness usually ends their usefulness to your child, so it should be a last resort decided by your attorney.

Should I ask my child's therapist for a letter for court? No. A letter takes a side, destroys the other parent's trust in the treatment, and asks the therapist to render an opinion they're not positioned to give. Most ethical therapists will decline. If the court needs an opinion about custody, that's the job of a custody evaluator, not your child's treating clinician.

Who can consent to therapy for my child after divorce? It depends on your custody order and your state. In most states, parents with joint legal custody both have the right to consent, and some orders require both to agree. In Louisiana the domiciliary parent generally has decision-making authority, but the other parent retains rights to information. In Texas, the right to consent to psychological treatment is a specifically allocated right. Read your order, and share it with the therapist.

Is my child's therapy confidential from me? Partly. Parents can generally access a minor child's records under federal privacy law, with exceptions for older adolescents who can consent on their own under state law and for the therapist's separate psychotherapy notes. A good therapist will tell both parents what they need to know for the child's safety and keep the rest private. Ask about this at the first session.

What should I tell my child's therapist about the divorce? Facts about your child's life and behavior: schedule changes, new living situations, sleep and appetite changes, trouble at school, refusal at exchanges, prior diagnoses and evaluations. Put it in writing, keep it brief, and copy your co-parent if your order requires shared information. Leave out your account of the marriage and your opinions about the other parent.

What if my ex is using the therapist against me? Keep participating calmly, document through your attorney what you've requested and been refused, and ask the court for a neutral evaluation or a parenting coordinator to manage the therapy. Don't confront the therapist or stop cooperating. Judges notice which parent supported treatment.

Related reading: What Is a Custody Expert Witness? | Reunification Therapy: What It Is, When Courts Order It, and What Kayden's Law Changed | Educational Evaluations for Children During Divorce | The Benefits of a Parenting Coordinator in Your Divorce Plan | Children Rebel and Parents Separate: Family Dynamics in Tough Times | 7 Ways to Prepare for Your Parenting Time or Custody Evaluation | How to Tell Your Kids About Divorce: An Age-by-Age Guide | Legal Custody vs. Domiciliary Parent | Can Marriage Counseling Be Used Against You in Divorce Court?