It's Time to Get a Divorce. Now What? A Lawyer's Step-by-Step

Key Points:

The first move is documents, not lawyers. Gather tax returns, pay stubs, account statements, and a list of debts while you still have easy access to them. Reconstructing this later is expensive and sometimes impossible.

Get one consultation before you tell anyone. Not because secrecy is a strategy, but because what you do in the weeks before filing can affect support, custody, and property, and you can't unmake those decisions once they're made.

Know your state's clock. In Louisiana, Civil Code Article 103.1 requires spouses to live separate and apart for 180 days without minor children and 365 days with them. The clock starts when you separate or file, not when you decide.

The conversation with your spouse deserves planning. Pick a time when neither of you is at your worst, say it plainly, and expect a reaction you can't predict. This is not the meeting where you settle anything.

Grief shows up even when you're the one who left. Every attorney who's practiced long enough knows the client who filed and then fell apart three months later. It's normal, and it's easier with support that isn't your lawyer.

I've practiced family law in Louisiana for more than forty years, and the question I get most often isn't about the law. It's some version of: I know what I want, but what do I actually do on Monday?

Here's the honest answer. The legal part of a divorce is more procedural than people expect. The hard parts are the conversation, the money, and the children, and none of those are helped by starting in the wrong order.

Before You Do Anything Else, Get Your Documents

I put this first deliberately, because it's the step people skip and the one they regret skipping.

While you still have ordinary access to the household's records, collect and copy:

The last three years of joint and individual tax returns, with all schedules
Recent pay stubs for both spouses, and any documentation of bonuses or commissions
Statements for every bank, brokerage, and retirement account, both joint and separate
Mortgage statements, deeds, and vehicle titles
Credit card statements and a list of all debts, including anything in one name only
Life and health insurance policies
Business records if either of you owns an interest in a company
A recent credit report for yourself

Once a divorce is underway, obtaining these becomes a formal discovery process that takes months and generates bills. Getting them now costs you an afternoon at the copier.

Two related notes. Open a bank account in your own name at an institution where your spouse doesn't bank, and start having your own mail sent somewhere your spouse doesn't check. Neither is hiding anything. Both are basic self-protection, and both are much harder to arrange after the conversation.

Get One Consultation, Even If You're Not Ready

An initial consultation is not a filing and it doesn't obligate you to anything. What it does is tell you what the rules are before you start making decisions inside them.

The decisions that matter most tend to happen in the weeks before anyone files. Who moves out. Whether you keep paying the mortgage. What happens to the joint account. Whether the children stay in the house. People make those calls based on instinct or a friend's divorce, and instinct is frequently wrong.

A few Louisiana examples of what I mean, and comparable traps exist in every state:

Moving out can affect more than you think. It doesn't forfeit your interest in the house, but it can shape a temporary custody arrangement, and temporary arrangements have a way of becoming the status quo a court is reluctant to disturb.

Which filing route you choose changes when the community ends. Louisiana is a community property state. Under an Article 102 divorce, you file first and the waiting period runs afterward, and the community property regime terminates retroactively to the date of filing. Under an Article 103 divorce, filed after the separation period is already complete, the community terminates as of the judgment. If one spouse is earning, contributing to a retirement plan, or running up debt during that window, the difference is real money.

Fault still matters here for support. Louisiana retains fault grounds, including adultery and a felony conviction, and fault can affect eligibility for final spousal support. Most states have moved fully to no-fault, so don't assume what you've read online applies.

Covenant marriage is its own track. Louisiana is one of a small number of states offering it, and if you signed one, the requirements for divorce are stricter, including mandatory counseling. Some people don't remember which one they signed. Check.

Louisiana's residency rule. You generally need to be domiciled in the state to file here, and venue is set by parish. If you've recently moved, ask about this early.

None of that is advice for your situation. It's an illustration of why a one-hour meeting is worth more than ten hours of reading.

Telling Your Spouse

This is the part people rehearse for weeks and then do badly anyway, so let me offer what I've seen work.

Choose the moment on purpose. Not during an argument. Not at midnight. Not right before either of you has to be somewhere. If you have children, not when they're in the house.

Say it in one clear sentence, early. People bury the news in fifteen minutes of preamble, and it's worse. "I've decided I want a divorce" is the whole opening. Everything after that is the conversation.

Speak about yourself, not about them. "I'm not able to continue in this marriage" lands differently than a list of everything they did wrong. You're not building a case, and anything that sounds like one guarantees a defensive response.

Expect any reaction. Shock, rage, relief, bargaining, a flat "fine," tears, or a request to try counseling one more time. All of these are normal. None of them require you to respond in that moment.

Don't negotiate. This is not the meeting where you decide who gets the house or how the children's weeks will work. If your spouse pushes for answers, it's entirely acceptable to say you need time and you'd like to work those things out properly.

Have a plan for that night. Know where you're sleeping and where they might. Ambiguity at 11 p.m. after a conversation like this is how bad nights happen.

If there's any history of violence or intimidation, do not have this conversation alone or without a safety plan. Talk to an attorney first, and if you're in danger, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-7233.

What Actually Happens, Step by Step

The procedure varies by state, but the shape is consistent almost everywhere.

A petition is filed. One spouse files with the court, stating the grounds and what they're asking for.
The other spouse is served, or waives service. In Louisiana, a waiver signed in front of a notary is common in uncontested cases and avoids the cost and awkwardness of formal service.
The other spouse responds. They can agree, disagree, or file their own claims for custody, support, or property.
Temporary orders get set, if you need them. This is the part that governs your actual life during the case: who lives where, the interim custody schedule, interim spousal support, child support, who pays which bills. In Louisiana these are handled by rule, and they can be set relatively quickly. If money or the children's schedule is unstable, this is the priority, not the divorce itself.
Information is exchanged. Financial disclosures, and formal discovery if the case is contested.
Negotiation or mediation. The overwhelming majority of divorces settle. Many courts require a mediation attempt before they'll set a trial.
Trial, if needed. A judge decides whatever remains in dispute. This is the slowest and most expensive path, and it's where you hand your decisions to a stranger.
Judgment of divorce. In Louisiana this often comes as a rule to show cause after the statutory separation period has run.
Property partition. People are frequently surprised that in Louisiana the divorce and the property division are separate proceedings, governed by La. R.S. 9:2801. You can be divorced and still own a house together. If the partition isn't resolved with the divorce, resolve it deliberately rather than letting it sit for years.

The Timeline Nobody Wants to Hear

In Louisiana, an uncontested no-fault divorce with no minor children takes a minimum of about six months from separation. With minor children, a full year. Those are floors, not estimates. A contested case with property or custody disputes commonly runs eighteen months to two years.

Most states have some version of a waiting period, though few are as long as ours. The relevant point is that "I've decided" and "I'm divorced" are separated by a substantial stretch of time in which you still have to live, pay bills, and co-parent. Planning for that period is at least as important as planning for the end of it.

The Part That Isn't Legal

I've watched a lot of people go through this, including plenty who were certain and relieved, and I want to say something about the emotional side that clients often aren't told.

Deciding to leave does not exempt you from grief. Some of the hardest months I've seen have belonged to the spouse who initiated. There's a fairly common pattern where the person who left processes a lot of the loss before filing, feels clear-eyed at the start, and then hits it hard about three or four months in, right when everyone around them assumes they're fine.

Feelings tend to move through something like denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and eventually acceptance, in no reliable order and often more than once. Anniversaries and holidays reset the clock temporarily. None of this means you made the wrong decision.

What helps:

Support that isn't your attorney. I say this affectionately about my own profession: we are expensive and we are not trained for this. A therapist or a divorce coach handles what legal advice can't, and clients who have that support consistently make calmer and cheaper decisions in my office.

A written record. Keep a dated, factual log of significant events, particularly anything involving the children. Memory reshapes itself. Contemporaneous notes don't.

Restraint in writing. Assume every text and email you send could be read aloud in a courtroom, because sometimes they are. It's a useful editing filter even when litigation never happens.

Care with new relationships. Louisiana law has consequences here that surprise people, and dating during a pending divorce can complicate both support and custody. Richard Perque has written specifically on dating before a divorce is final.

Ordinary maintenance. Sleep, food, movement, and people who will answer the phone. It sounds trivial. It's what determines how you function through a year of decisions.

You will not feel like yourself for a while. That's not a sign that something's gone wrong. It's what this is.

This article is for general informational purposes only and is not legal advice, and reading it does not create an attorney-client relationship. Divorce procedure, waiting periods, property rules, and support standards vary substantially by state. Louisiana provisions are cited as examples of how these systems work. Consult an attorney licensed in your state.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the first thing I should do when I decide to get a divorce? Gather financial documents while you still have easy access, then get one consultation with a family law attorney in your state. Both come before telling your spouse, before moving out, and before making any changes to accounts. What you do in the weeks before filing can affect support, custody, and property division, and those decisions are hard to reverse.

How do I tell my spouse I want a divorce? Pick a private moment when neither of you is already upset and the children aren't present. Say it plainly in the first sentence. Speak about your own decision rather than listing their failings. Expect a reaction you can't predict, and don't try to settle anything in that conversation. Have a plan for where each of you will sleep that night.

How long does a divorce take? It depends on the state and whether the case is contested. In Louisiana, no-fault divorce requires 180 days of living separate and apart with no minor children and 365 days with minor children under Civil Code Article 103.1. Contested cases with property or custody disputes often run eighteen months to two years.

Do I need a lawyer to get divorced? Not legally in most states, and genuinely simple cases with no children, no property, and no debt are sometimes handled without one. But if there are children, retirement accounts, real estate, a business, or a significant income gap, self-representation tends to be expensive in ways that only become visible later. At minimum, get one consultation.

Should I move out of the house? Ask an attorney before you do. Moving out doesn't forfeit your ownership interest, but it can shape a temporary custody arrangement, and temporary arrangements often become the status quo. There are also situations where staying is unsafe, and safety comes first. This is a question with a state-specific and fact-specific answer.

What's the hardest stage of divorce? For most people, the middle. The decision is made and the outcome isn't, and you're living inside an unresolved situation for months. It's also common for the spouse who initiated to feel worst around the three-to-four-month mark, after the initial clarity fades and before anything is settled.

Can we stay in the same house during the divorce? In some states, yes. In Louisiana, no, at least not for purposes of the waiting period. Living separate and apart means separate residences, and the clock doesn't run while you're under the same roof. This is one of the most commonly misunderstood parts of our law and it has cost people months.